Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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