I cannot find my penis.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
sarcasm needs its own font
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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