Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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