Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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