i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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