I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
