I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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