I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
