Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
