I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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