You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
