I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Do you still have your period?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
