I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
