What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
