Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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