I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
