i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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