So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
