So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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