You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
