TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
