My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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