WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
