We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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