i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Randomize
