Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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