Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
