haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
