I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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