If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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