there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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