That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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