i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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