Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
