I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Someone signed my nipple.
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