so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize