Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
