Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
