so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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