Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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