I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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