I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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