Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
