she woke up with a sticky ear
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
