Only a mothe r could love this liver
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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