Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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