wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
