Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
