Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Randomize
