JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
