This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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